Silence & The Voice

There are many curious aspects of my work with clients but one that has stood out often is the weakening of the voice and the compromise of vocalization after a traumatic event(s). I will punctuate this with the lyrics to "Silence" by Delerium ft. Sarah McLachlan (1997). You can listen to the song here.

One afternoon 12 years ago, I called a young lady who had used my website to contact me for services. When someone answered, I hesitated as I was quite sure it was a child on the other end. The voice was soft, whispery, uncertain and childlike. I swore I was speaking to a scared 10-year-old. When I finally caught myself, the person who had picked up was indeed the young lady who would become my client. When I first laid eyes on her, I felt alarm - there was no way a woman could be out in the world with a voice like that and the physical voluptuousness she brought with her. Predators everywhere would be drooling (and drool they did). She had a history of sexual assault but also of parents who would seek out medications for her general outspokenness. People do weaponize psychiatry and psychology.

Over time, I met many like her - women who would cough when they attempted to speak of difficult passages in their lives; others offering minutes of nothing but silence and fearful eye contact; those who would feel choked and unable to breathe; women who could not take a deep belly breath; and those with voices of little girls. They were stuck in a time when their traumas began and the part of them that held some aspect of the suffering would show up often.

Give me release

Witness me 

I am outside 

Give me peace

You may imagine that the trauma itself caused the loss of their voices and you'd not be too wrong as there are cases where this is true especially if someone is threatened with harm if they speak out or if their air passages were compromised during a traumatic event: commonly choking and strangulation but also severe asthma attacks, accidents where chemicals can cause breathing issues or those where the nose, mouth or throat may be compromised in some way.

However, the loss truly comes from family and society. All those nuanced ways we are all guilty of, to shut people up. We know how uncomfortable we can become if we have to bear witness to another's painful story - especially those about sexual assault, childhood abuse, miscarriage, abortion, homicide, suicide and well - what appears to be just life.

We are oftentimes silenced very early in childhood by parent(s), other assorted caregivers, school-teachers, friends, children, spouses, etc., who shut us up for laughing too loudly, for sharing stories from the playground, for asking "taboo" questions, for speaking our minds - to be seen and not heard. It is almost second-nature to not speak when horrible things happen as we are primed to not be believed or be considered exhaustive if we do.

We hold the shame our family and society have gifted to us as a legacy because this same cast of characters cannot face realities. Expand this to include those who are burdened with protecting and serving justice: our police, all arms of the defense services and enactors of law: lawyers, judges, and other officers of the court. Many in religious spaces are quick to silence as well.

Passion

Chokes the flower

Until she cries no more

England and Scotland in the 1500s had a curious device specifically to shut women up - the Scold's Bridle. Primarily used on loud women, those who nagged, gossiped and those who spoke out about injustices - the Scold Bridle was sometimes requested by a husband to keep his wife quiet. Some of these women were marched through the town or village to be humiliated. Reminds me of Cersei's Walk of Shame in Game of Thrones.

Actress Carice van Houten in Brimstone (2016) wearing a Scold's Bridle

We no longer need such a thing. We have evolved - somewhat. It's only 2024 folks - give it time.

What can we do? Well, obviously I'd recommend therapy! Additionally, undertaking any of the expressive arts is an excellent way to open the voice:

• Singing/chanting lessons

• Oratory classes

• Acting classes

Other approaches have value as well and can lead to shifting the blockage of the voice:

• Dance class

• Art classes

• Yoga

• Krav Maga/MMA (anything that allows you to sound out!)

This silence can be healed. In speaking out chains are broken and I'd not even begin to tell you what happens...when traumatic chains are broken.

You are breathing, in this white wave I am free.

END